Mundane Wednesday

Cinematic Moment:  Thoughts of the day.

1.  Divorce

I've recently been following the story of the man who is suing his soon to be ex-wife for the kidney he donated to her.  He wants it back, but will take the $1.5 million he deems it to be valued at.  Kind of a low figure, as it sets the price of his life at a cool $3 million, but I won't argue that.  I might even venture to say he is worth considerably less.  

This case raises some serious concerns and potential problems when it comes to marital gifts and assets that are part of someone's body.  Think of all the Hollywood couples having to break themselves into pieces, "her" squeezing the collagen out of her lips into a glass jar at the courthouse: "him" removing the calf implants she bought him for his 40th birthday like a pair of chicken cutlets.  Doing a little research on the internet for bizarre divorce cases, I stumbled upon something called a "Divorce Party."  This is a party much like a wedding, only celebrating the separation and breaking of a holy union.  The tiny coffin you see below is used to "bury" the wedding ring.  Take any amount of human joy or suffering and there is someone capitalizing on it.  That's almost sadder than asking for an organ back.

(The bride has died. What a mean cake...)


2. Septic Tanks

I have to be honest, I never thought the day would come that I would ever use the term "septic tank" in a conversation other than referring to some quaint log cabin on a skiing vacation. But, the universe never fails to surprise and I've had to learn the in's and out's of a septic system. For those of you that don't know, having a septic tank rather than a water company is basically like owning a 2000 giant fish tank--only the fish are actually billions of bacteria and instead of eating fish flakes, they chow on human excrement.  There's a visual for you.

 Being a neurotic clean freak, I find myself dumping bleach down the drains pretty frequently and taking showers that last well into the double digits. This is apparently murder for the doodie eating bacteria.  Without them, the cesspool would cease to break down and we would have a big problem on our hands.  Browsing the aisles of the grocery store yesterday, I found the box you see above. Rid-X. The box claims to "prevent septic backup."  When it comes to human waste potentially seeping out into our lawn, I believe "prevention" is key, so I sprung for the $10. It turns out Rid-X is actually billions of bacteria in a box--just add water. Kind of like Sea Monkey's, but much more disgusting and smelling of vomit.  Let's keep our fingers crossed that the little guys will be happy and reproduce exponentially.

3.  Wise-asses at work.

We stopped at Starbucks after the gym this morning.  Straying from my usual black coffee, I ordered a latte.  "No sweetener, please" I said to the female voice over the speaker.  

"A latte doesn't have sweetener" she replied, matter of factly.  

"Ok.  I'd also like a lemon loaf too."

"You know, that has a lot of sugar in it."

"I just don't like sweet coffee!"

I was shocked and happy to get a little sarcasm with my morning coffee.  We pulled up to the window to wait for the goods.  The woman in the SUV in front of us stopped, getting out of her car and wedging herself between my open window and the drive thru window of Starbucks.

"I forgot sugar!" she said, "I can't drink my coffee without sugar."

She was cute and clearly very serious about her needs as she stood there, in the cold, for a solid 4 minutes, chattering.  I found it ironic she was desperate for what I had just turned down.  Just then the girl came to the drive thru window with my lemon cake, looking appalled at the woman standing there.  "Um, ok, I can get you some sugar.  And just so you know, there's a door there so you can just come on in and get it next time."

The woman got in her car and drove away.  "What a nutjob" the girl said to me handing me my sugar-free latte.  I may have finally found a friend in this godforsaken town...