Toy Story.

Over the holidays, we were surrounded by sweet children unwrapping toys.  Being so out of the loop got me thinking about my own childhood, mainly the psychological damage inflicted upon me and all the fellow children of the 80's and 90's, by the toy choices of their parents.  Many of the hot ticket items of the decades were up for consideration in this CM, but only 4 made the cut.  I'm sure you guys will come up with the rest.  In the meantime, I present to you:

Cinematic Moment:  The 4 Most Trauma Inducing Toys of My Childhood.

#4.  The Speak and Spell

According to Wikipedia, the Speak & Spell was "originally advertised as a tool for helping young children to learn to spell and pronounce over 200 commonly misspelled words."  This would have been a brilliant idea, had they not chosen the voice over talent from the homicide unit of a backwoods prison, then automated the guy for good measure.  My cousin used to hide in the closet with it when I was going to bed.  The room would be pitch black and from the closet I'd hear a small, metallic voice.  "COULD."  "WOULD."  "HAPPY." Oh my god.  These might as well have been "MONSTER."  "I'M THE DEVIL." "YOU LOOK DELICIOUS." To this day I tear up listening to the automated teller at Wachovia.  

#3. Glo Worm

I'd like to speak to the creative director who sat in on the meeting to pitch the Glo Worm.  "I read about this species of worms somewhere.  The females glow, showing the male they're at the peak of fertility.  I think it'd be totally amazing to do a plush version for small children." Hey Mr.--lot's of things glow.  The moon, for example, is something many people view as soothing.  It also happens to give off light.   That flourescent pea green dick with arms and the creepsicle face?  Not so much.  Thanks for the nightmares.

#2.  My Buddy
Growing up, I had a lot of buddies.  For example, the little girl who lived down the street.  She was my age and didn't have demon eyes like this guy.  For one thing, My Buddy (and his girl equivalent Kid Sister) set a terrible example.  That is the idea that kids can buy friends.  Why bother sharing or bathing when you have a constant pal?  Even the smelly kid had a buddy all of the sudden.  In my day, everyone was toting around one of the above--while developing absolutely no social skills.  This little guy had removable overalls, making it superior to the not undressable version the 90's kids got.  Sadly no one likes a buddy who keeps his or her clothes on, so it was discontinued.  Stripping him down was really the only fun thing about this toy.

#1.  Sea Monkeys
I have to admit-the Sea Monkey almost didn't make number 1 of this list because they are just so damn awesome.  Who didn't have Sea Monkey's on their Christmas list as a kid?  The reasons they DID make this list, however, heavily outweighed their sheer novelty.  The Sea Monkey caused me more psychosis than anything else over the years because everything about them is a lie.   I like to call it the biggest load of shit since Santa Claus.  A huge underwater hoax my parents foiled me into believing simply because they didn't want to get us a tiny monkey like the neighbors had.  (For the record, the neighbors parents lied to them too because that thing was most definitely a flying squirrel.)

Sea Monkeys were the kind of present you spent the entire holiday break staring at.  You told all of your friends about them.  Then, that first Monday back to school you bragged to your teacher that you were the proud parent of actual monkeys...from the ocean.  She shattered your dreams with a few words:  "Brine shrimp." 

Next, there were the tricks you were told they'd do.  Someone may have even broken down and gotten you the underwater Big Top Sea Monkey circus set.  Let me tell you from experience, those little bastards may do backflips, but they sure as hell aren't doing anything on command.  Except dying.  Which leads me to the third reason they suck.  Unlike a real monkey which could outlive its owner, Sea Monkeys have the lifespan of a diseased goldfish.  For any normal child, a pet dying so early on is severely traumatic.  This didn't matter to me so much as the second I found out they weren't actually miniature monkeys, I dumped them in our 150 gallon fish tank to feed our snowflake eel.  Let's see you do backflips now, jerks.

It's a wonder any of us came out of that era quasi-normal.  I suppose it's a huge step up from our parents who played with hammers and rusty nails.  The list is still missing a number 5 though.  So tell me.  What haunts your dreams?