Some of you might know that I just got back from an 8 day long trip to the Bahamas which was every bit as amazing and insane as you can imagine. However, last week, I returned home to news which has changed my entire plan for a LOCM post. A family member committed suicide over the weekend. I've been grieving in my own way, mostly internally, but have decided to post about it because of the circumstances, in hopes that it will reach someone who's dealt with it before to let them know they aren't alone.
Death is a very personal thing and when it's at one's one hand, it becomes something entirely different. You feel a whole spectrum of emotions from complete devastation to shock to anger. Suicide is not an easy way out. It leaves so many people in it's wake to answer the unanswerable: Why? How could we have not seen signs? The ones left behind hear it like church bells for the rest of their lives. While they are eating dinner, in the middle of the night, writing an email at the office: Could I have done something differently? The pain is something you can't put into words and because the universe can't be held responsible, you carry the blame on your shoulders. For every suicide, there are a hundred victims.
In the case of my own family's tragedy, we saw no signs of depression, though perhaps we should have looked harder. The truth is, sometimes there are no indications of how someone is really feeling. We all wear the mask we choose to put on that day. All we can do is remind each other to keep persevering. Life is all about deep valleys and sky high days on the graph. If you are at a low point, there is an incline just around the bend. Please just hold on and keep pushing through. Life isn't always easy or what we might want it to be, but there's no simple way out. A better day is coming.
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10 comments:
From the very deepest caverns of my heart, I am so sorry. I too have been one of the hundred victims you speak of. I know its difficult to think and say this now, but you can't beat yourself up over those questions, it'll suck you into a vortex that won't ever cease and haunt you until your day comes. I hope it gets easier for you and your loved ones.
My condolences to you..
Thank you for your post.
I'm sorry to hear that. I know how hard it is when someone you love dies. I would imagine what your family is going through is much worse :(
I'm so sorry :(
hey Chonny, I couldve sworn I posted something last night but I mustve entered my password incorrectly.
What I had said was that your words reach alot of people and this important post will do the same. Im sorry for your loss and your family is in my prayers.
luv ya girl!
I'm so sorry for your loss. In my experience, when I was the closest to actually committing suicide, that was when people were the least able to tell that I was depressed in the first place. It's like you just close yourself down so much that even though you think it's completely obvious that you're hurting, no one else can see it. You can't blame yourself for that.
That said, I can't imagine what you and your family must be going through. I'm sorry.
I know I've been gone for like 6 months. I've still been reading every post. It's just that I only have a computer with internet for one hour a day on my lunch break, and it's probably going to take me a half an hour to get this comment to actually post.
Also, that post that started with the quote from the Starbucks cup. It was incredibly relevant to my life, and it was just what I needed at exactly the right time. Thank you.
Damn... I'm really sorry to hear. I had an uncle commit suicide a few years back. It's not an easy thing to deal with.... I really do hope you and your family are OK, and get through this the best you can.
Chonny,
I am so so sorry to hear. I lost someone close to me the same way and was left with so many unanswered questions. We are all here for you if you need anything at all.
-Carla
Thank you all for sharing your love and experiences. We will resume our regular LOCM positivity shortly. That's what we're here for, right? To keep the sun out. Huge hugs and kisses to all of you. xxx, chonny
Sorry for your loss, Chondra.
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