Old news in town.

Cinematic Moment:  Terrible real CM.

So last night, I finally convinced myself and significant other that it would be a great idea to watch a chick flick.  We have a long history of chick flicks not being the movie of choice most of the time, so I have to really save up the ones I want to see for the right time, when the boyfriance is at his most vulnerable and tired.   I cracked open a bottle of dry riesling, a bag of chips and some bodacious onion dip.  Then I popped in what would prove to be the WORST movie of all time.  

Now, I've seen Glitter.  I've seen Gigli.   I've even seen Six Days, Seven Nights.  But nothing prepared me for the huge pile of burning garbage that was New in Town.  

First off, let's discuss the script.  Now as a bit of backstory, the film was set in New Ulm, MN, which is incidentally, the birthplace of many of my Lutheran childhood friends.  Something tells me the writer of this movie has either never set foot in a town like this or was born and raised there from the amount of sheer spite against middle America evidenced in the script.  The jokes were poor, the constant references to scrap-booking and tapioca illustrated a lack of alternate creativity and an unrealistically one-sided view of small towns.  On the flip side, it seems the writer's opinion of Miami and CEO's was also a bit skewed.  Let me cite a line as an example:  

"I might be from a big city, but I know how to start a fire.  Where's the switch?" Really?  First of all, the big city is Miami which has a shortage of fireplaces to begin with.  Then there's the fact that the character is originally from a small town where her father worked as a maintenance man in a factory.  She didn't have a fireplace with real wood?  Did she ever read any books about, oh I don't know, cavemen discovering fire?  Don't dumb down your lead character or make her look like a flaky bitch (a bitch yes, but never stupid)  when she's a major player in a big corporation.  

Then there's the acting.  Come on Renee!  Where's Bridget Jones, man?  I had such big hopes for you and your adorable pursed lipped expressions.  You fell so flat on this one I couldn't even stick up for you as my man went straight for his phone to go on You Tube rather than watch you pretend to fall in love with the plant manager.  And don't you think you're getting off without a verbal lashing Harry Connick, Jr!  How could you not save this film with your charm and birdlike singing voice?  And where were you in the caroling scene? YOU DIDN'T EVEN GET A SOLO!  

But my biggest acting disappointment in New in Town was Frances Conroy of 6 Feet Under fame.  Oh, sweet, sweet Frances...you played a blossoming widow and mother to a newly uncloseted homosexual, a junkie and a single father with a murdered wife.  The complexities of your character and theirs were so deeply rooted and so delicately played in that show.  Did you fall and hit your head after that, taking on the role of a realtor in this genital herpe of a movie?  I wanted to love you.  I wanted you to redeem it from every sin (and there were many) but alas, you could not  do that in the first 40 minutes and I had to turn it off.

So a word (or 300) of caution, save up your chick flick fix for something else.  I know most of you probably never had the slightest interest in seeing this film in the first place, but humor me;)   I'm running on pre-comic con fumes.