Old news in town.

Cinematic Moment:  Terrible real CM.

So last night, I finally convinced myself and significant other that it would be a great idea to watch a chick flick.  We have a long history of chick flicks not being the movie of choice most of the time, so I have to really save up the ones I want to see for the right time, when the boyfriance is at his most vulnerable and tired.   I cracked open a bottle of dry riesling, a bag of chips and some bodacious onion dip.  Then I popped in what would prove to be the WORST movie of all time.  

Now, I've seen Glitter.  I've seen Gigli.   I've even seen Six Days, Seven Nights.  But nothing prepared me for the huge pile of burning garbage that was New in Town.  

First off, let's discuss the script.  Now as a bit of backstory, the film was set in New Ulm, MN, which is incidentally, the birthplace of many of my Lutheran childhood friends.  Something tells me the writer of this movie has either never set foot in a town like this or was born and raised there from the amount of sheer spite against middle America evidenced in the script.  The jokes were poor, the constant references to scrap-booking and tapioca illustrated a lack of alternate creativity and an unrealistically one-sided view of small towns.  On the flip side, it seems the writer's opinion of Miami and CEO's was also a bit skewed.  Let me cite a line as an example:  

"I might be from a big city, but I know how to start a fire.  Where's the switch?" Really?  First of all, the big city is Miami which has a shortage of fireplaces to begin with.  Then there's the fact that the character is originally from a small town where her father worked as a maintenance man in a factory.  She didn't have a fireplace with real wood?  Did she ever read any books about, oh I don't know, cavemen discovering fire?  Don't dumb down your lead character or make her look like a flaky bitch (a bitch yes, but never stupid)  when she's a major player in a big corporation.  

Then there's the acting.  Come on Renee!  Where's Bridget Jones, man?  I had such big hopes for you and your adorable pursed lipped expressions.  You fell so flat on this one I couldn't even stick up for you as my man went straight for his phone to go on You Tube rather than watch you pretend to fall in love with the plant manager.  And don't you think you're getting off without a verbal lashing Harry Connick, Jr!  How could you not save this film with your charm and birdlike singing voice?  And where were you in the caroling scene? YOU DIDN'T EVEN GET A SOLO!  

But my biggest acting disappointment in New in Town was Frances Conroy of 6 Feet Under fame.  Oh, sweet, sweet Frances...you played a blossoming widow and mother to a newly uncloseted homosexual, a junkie and a single father with a murdered wife.  The complexities of your character and theirs were so deeply rooted and so delicately played in that show.  Did you fall and hit your head after that, taking on the role of a realtor in this genital herpe of a movie?  I wanted to love you.  I wanted you to redeem it from every sin (and there were many) but alas, you could not  do that in the first 40 minutes and I had to turn it off.

So a word (or 300) of caution, save up your chick flick fix for something else.  I know most of you probably never had the slightest interest in seeing this film in the first place, but humor me;)   I'm running on pre-comic con fumes.

Comic books are for cool kids.

Cinematic Moment:  Shameless book promotion.

So I haven't really posted anything about the comic that the frianceband and I are working on, but with the debut at comic con quickly approaching, I thought I'd drop a line or two about it for you guys.  The series will be co-published through BOOM! and Evil Ink and is chock full of dark humor, satire, ridiculous characters and abstract musical references.  We also have the Harvey nominated (and brilliant nevertheless) artist Mr. Sheldon Vella.  If you like any or all of those things, you should check it out:)

You can get more info on Kill Audio HERE.  Add yourself to the reader's list on the blog!

Hurray.

Cinematic Moment:  Woof woof from the sky.

 An all pet airline!!!!  I'm obsessed.

Weaks.

Cinematic Moment:  Winery timery (doesn't rhyme until you go.)

My mom, bestie and her GF have been in town for the last 2 weeks and after doing all the requisite touristy shenanigans (amidst furious wedding planning) I decided to get extra fancy and bring them to a winery for a tour and tasting. 

 We learned a lot.  I'm pretty sure there was some talk about fermentation and champagne bottles exploding in the cellar.  I also remember them saying the casks above are actually empty and that this particular winery produced the only New York wine on the White House wine list (a Riesling.)  

It's after we did a tasting that consisted of about 7 different varietals, a cream sherry and port--that things get a bit blurry.  From what I'm told, most official wine tasters don't actually drink the wine, but that feels a bit counterproductive doesn't it?  So we savored it all and then ended up leaving with enough bottles of our own to warrant the check out woman asking "Did you leave any wine for our other guests?"

Other notables of the week: 

Finding out that the sketchy bar down the street is not actually a strip club at all. 

Goat cheese and carmelized pizza at Jane.

One logged fires and nachos made of old hard taco shells instead of s'mores.

Having my blackberry back in my hand, in my bed and in my heart.

Benson failing miserably at getting it on and landing himself straight in the doggie friend zone.

Sobbing like a kid with a stolen easter basket while watching the MJ funeral for 2 hours with the girls.

Using the term "sexting" in enough sentences to fill 4 hours of PSA's about the dangers of it.

Realizing the only thing worse than trying to lose weight is watching shows about people trying to lose weight.

My mom noting that the creepy men in the restaurant were staring at her as if she had "two eyes."  

Invite design, flowers, earrings, comic con. CHECK.

Beh-old!

Cinematic Moment:  Things that make you go "I'm a dinosaur."

I'm three years older than Pixar and with far less accomplished (unless it's a contest of who has made the most people cry.)  On that note, I'm 4 years older than the contact lens and a whopping 5 years older than crack, though we've caused similar devastation if you find the average.

THIS article.

Pluto is no longer a planet.  Does this mean Disney's Pluto is not really a dog?  Are we supposed to live our lives questioning everything we've ever known?  Now I know what Christopher Columbus's friends must have felt like.  

I can't make it through more than 5 minutes on MTV, even when I'm drinking.

Mountain Dew has like 5 flavors.  When I was a kid, it came in one:  "Mountain Dew."

You know how they make you read Stephen Hawking's "A Brief History of Time" in high school because it's a classic?  Well, I was in kindergarten when it was published.  That must make me a classic too.  By classic I mean, OLD.

The high school kids at the deli call me "maam" and the old ass men at the gym try to call me on the phone.

Back to the Future 2 is 20 years old.  And the "future" they are referring to?  Only 5 years away.

Taylor Hanson of Hanson fame has FOUR children.  Yes, four.  And that young one they subbed in for the drum machine?  He has a little nugget too.

I'd be willing to give my ID to someone under 21 who looks like me-with the condition they have to give me theirs.  Also, when I get carded, I look all around to make sure someone's watching.

This was the pinnacle of science when I was young:

Sigh.