Fly and buy.

Cinematic Moment: Inflight Shopping.

On a recent flight from Tampa to San Diego, there was a shortage of overhead storage space. Everyone unlucky enough to be in Zone 4 or higher was required to check their carry on bags at the gate, so all my reading material (ipad included) was held hostage by US Air. In desperation, I resorted to the only thing I could find to entertain myself-the SkyMall Magazine. Granted, I've leafed through many an edition of SkyMall, marveling at the statues of Bigfoot, the incredible portable pillow selection and the Lord of the Rings "one ring" replicas. But never had I actually read the sucker, page by page, taking in every tchotchke and home improvement gadget on the planet, listed in one, easily perusable publication. Four hours and two vodka sodas later...I compiled my favorites. I present to you, the useless, the stupid and the just plain creepy:

BED MADE EZ $29.99

Essentially a plastic wedge used to tuck sheets in between the mattress and box spring, a chore which is traditionally accomplished with something called a "hand." The Bed Made EZ has shown me the error of my outdated ways, while helping me do my part to waste more unnecessary plastic...and my money. I'm also not entirely sure how cramming this wedge in your bed will save your back from the excruciating pain of placing sheets and blankets on top of it.

FACETRAINER by NO!NO! $149.00

Touted as "the only fitness device that applies the proven principles of resistance training to facial muscles." Created for the woman who doesn't mind looking incredibly stupid for a portion of the day, in the slight hope she will some day look slightly less creased. It's the facial equivalent of headgear. My husband would take one look at me in this thing at night and likely run for the hills. What good would it do me looking 1o days younger then? Besides, I prefer putting on my own scary mask (found in the bargain bin at K-mart for $3.00) and terrifying random children. They say laughter keeps you young AND it doubles as a couple's activity. Two words: Date. Night.

DIGITAL IMAGING CAMERA WAND $119.99

"Capture images on your computer screen of your warts, moles or other hard to see places..." This is the manufacturer's pitch, which really opens up the doors for the potentially freaky uses of the medical wand. It's touted as a wonderful way to bring in photos of health concerns to your doctor. I'm sure your doc will love receiving the hourly emails of your every inflamed body part, freckle and that bottle cap you somehow got lodged in your rectum last Saturday. It's a hypochondriac's dream and a med student's nightmare.

THE PERFECT TRAVEL VEST $99.95

The makers of this vest urge you to "forget bulky exterior pockets that advertise your valuables and stop paying for carry on bags." So pockets sewn onto the outside of your clothing just aren't cutting it anymore? You're sure to hide the fact you're holding anything at all in this GIGANTIC safari vest. Apparently they've overlooked the fact that layering this monstrosity over a business suit isn't sure to garner you any promotions and while it may hold "a digital camera, glasses and a magazine(!)" that doesn't quite take the place of an actual carry on for someone who's traveling further than the local aquarium. Until you come up with matching cargo pants that hold a laptop, Subway sandwich and at least two adult DVD's-I'll save my hundred bucks to check a bag and grab a pashmina.

CHERISH LIFELIKE BABY DOLL $99.00

This vinyl baby doll prides itself on its "hand applied hair" and "tiny hand-painted fingernails" created to "give the illusion of life." The whole concept of this poltergeist child skeeves me out. No one who can appreciate realistic fingernails should be in the market for a baby doll in the first place. But the real peanut butter on the jelly is the product review I discovered on Amazon:

"The baby's hair claims to look real but once you get the baby you will see that it looks like someone took some glue to the head. It also does not look like a real baby."

Some people just shouldn't have kids...or plastic ones at that. Enjoy your week everyone!